Ireland

TOP 10 JOKES

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Happily Married Biker

Badass Biker Bob wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces
himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.

He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and
pressed. Bob looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table: "Honey,
breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."

So he goes to the kitchen, and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.

Bob asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious, broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."

Confused, Badass Bob asks, "So, why is everything in order and so
clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married'!"

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No Fear

One Sunday an old biker walks into church and sits down in the front row. As the preacher is beginning his sermon, the devil suddenly appears at the altar. The members of the congregation, including the preacher himself, flee the church in terror, all except for this one old biker in the front row.

The devil notices this one biker still in the church and walks down from the altar to confront him. He roars at the man, "Do you know who I am?"

"Why of course I know who you are," the man calmly replies. "You're Satan."

"And you're not afraid of me like the others?" the devil asks somewhat miffed.

To which the biker replies, "No. Why should I be? I've been married to your sister for the last 25 years."

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Little Johnny & the Evils of Liquor

Little Johnny's chemistry teacher wanted to teach his class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he set up an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.

"Now, class. Observe what happens to the two the worms," said the professor putting the first worm in the glass of water. The worm in the water moved about, twisting and seemingly unharmed.

He then dropped the second work in the whiskey glass. It writhed in pain for a moment, then quickly sank to the bottom and died. "Now kids, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" he asked.

Little Johnny raised his hand and wisely responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms!"

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1. Silly Laws

2.  
3. It is illegal for taxi drivers to carry rabid dogs or corpses.
4. A taxi driver must ask passengers if they are suffering from plague or smallpox.
5. A member of the House of Commons is not allowed to resign his seat. However, if one wants to leave the post, he applies for (and is automatically granted) the Stewardship of the Aylesbury Hundred, which is a job with no duties or pay but which makes him ineligible for membership of Parliament.
6. Anyone entering the Houses of Parliament while wearing a suit of armour is liable to be arrested.
7. It is illegal to die in the Houses of Parliament (I'm not sure what punishment is inflicted on offenders).
8. Any whale washed up on the shore is the property of the Queen, so she can use its bones for her corset.
9. In Hereford you can shoot a Welsh person on a Sunday, with a longbow, in the Cathedral Close.
10. You can shoot a Welsh person with a bow and arrow in Chester, inside the city walls and after midnight.
11. It is legal for a male to urinate in public, as long it is on the rear wheel of his motor vehicle and his right hand is on the vehicle.
12. Women are permitted to go topless in Liverpool provided they work as a clerk in a shop selling tropical fish.
13. A bed may not be hung out of a window.
14. It is illegal for a lady to eat chocolates on a public conveyance.
15. It is illegal to be drunk on licensed premises.
16. Any person found breaking a boiled egg at the sharp end may be sentenced to 24 hours in the stocks.
17. Any boy under the age of 10 may not see a naked mannequin.
18. It is illegal to eat mince pies on December 25.
19. In London it is illegal to hail a taxi while suffering from bubonic plague.
20. Sticking a postage stamp (showing the head of the queen, which they all do) on an envelope upside down is considered treason.
21. It is illegal to go within 100 yards of the queen when not wearing hose, socks or stockings.
22. It is illegal for any commoner's pet to have carnal knowledge of an animal belonging to the monarch.
23. A pregnant woman may relieve herself anywhere she likes, including (if she requests) in a policeman's helmet.
24. A hackney carriage (i.e. taxi) driver must (still) carry a bale of hay and a bucket to feed and water his horse
25. It is lawful to kill a Scotsman  York if he is carrying a bow and arrow.

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Where do Babies Come From

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.

“Mother, where do babies come from?”

The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex.”

The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend.

“Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?”

“Jewellery, my dear. Jewellery.”

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TRAFFIC CAMERA

A man was driving when a traffic camera flashed. He thought his picture was taken for exceeding the speed limit, even though he knew he was not speeding. Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. He thought this was quite funny, so he slowed down even further as he drove past the area, but the traffic camera flashed yet again. He tried a fourth time with the same result. The fifth time he was laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past at a snail's pace. Two weeks later, he got five traffic fine letters in the mail for driving without a seat belt

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 Redneck SEX

Two Redneck's were out drinkin' and talking about their favorite sex positions.  One said, 'I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best.''I don't think I have ever heard of that one,' said the other Redneck 'What is it? ''Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper "By Jesus, these feel just like your sister's.' Then you try and stay on for 8 seconds

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 Pancakes

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.  With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis. After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.' The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table. 'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?' 'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father.'

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I Love You

A guy goes and gets " I Love You "tattooed on his penis,. He then goes home and shows his wife. She yells at him, " There you go again, trying to put words in my mouth

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Husband and Wife

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology when he turned to his wife and said, 'Honey, I bet you can't tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time.'

She said, 'You have the biggest dick out of all your friends!'